Make note of your answers:
1. I’ve never met the right man/woman, but I know exactly what he/she will look like.
2. All the really sexy men/women don’t want to be in committed relationships.
3. As soon as you sleep with someone, things fall apart on a deeper level.
4. Powerful, masculine men/beautiful, sexy women just aren’t very smart or sensitive.
5. All the good men/women are already taken.
6. There aren’t any available men/women in (where you live).
7. I want to be taken care of and protected.
8. I’m not ready for a relationship.
9. Men/women don’t find me attractive/interesting/etc.
10. I want someone who knows exactly how he/she feels about things and its consistent.
11. Change makes me nervous.
12. I’m looking for a hassle-free relationship.
13. If someone loves me, he/she won’t care about how I look.
14. I need a lover who understands that my work comes first.
15. As soon as one thing goes wrong, everything falls apart.
16. All relationships get boring after the newness wears off.
17. There’s no such thing as an enduring, intense romantic relationship.
18. As soon as someone knows you care, they take off.
18 questions rated 0 to 2 each. 0 = no agreement, 1 = mild agreement, 2 = high agreement.
25 to 36 = SEVERE AMOURAPHOBIA – Very disruptive to a successful romantic relationship – get expert help
20 to 24 = STRONG AMOURAPHOBIA – Work on problem
10 to 19 = WORK WITH POTENTIAL MATE AND EXPERIENCED THERAPIST
5 to 9 = MILD AMOURAPHOBIA
0 to 5 = ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM from AMOURAPHOBIA
Amoura-phobia Quiz Discussion
By now you probably have some idea of how your fear of involvement expresses itself. Each of the questions in the quiz relates to one or more of the disguises we’ve just discussed. If you answered “true” to any of those eighteen statements you can begin to focus in on your problem.
Let’s look at each statement.
- I’ve never met the right man/woman, but I know exactly what he/she will look like. If you agree with this statement, you’re probably a “checklist” lover. Having a specific idea of what you want means two things: first, you’re closing your eyes to lots of possibilities; and second, your list isn’t coming from the center of your emotions – it’s too intellectualized.
- All the really sexy men/women don’t want to be in committed relationships. On what basis does someone strike you as being sexy? If you’re a “let’s-keep-it-sexual” lover, it just may be that you only allow yourself to be attracted to people who aren’t interested in committed relationships.
- As soon as you sleep with someone, things fall apart on a deeper level. This statement is another indicator of the “let’s-keep-it-sexual” lover. If you find that sex precedes the decline of most of your relationships, it’s time to stop pointing fingers elsewhere and start looking toward yourself and your own attitudes. This statement might also signal a “thrill-of-the-hunt” lover. If you identify with this statement the most important thing you can do is begin asking yourself if you aren’t the one who’s losing interest after the sexual aspect of the relationship loses its newness.
- Powerful, masculine men just aren’t very sensitive. How do you define “masculine”? If you consistently find yourself involved with cruel men, and are never involved with men that you consider sensitive, it just may be that you’re looking for a hard time. Why? Maybe because it precludes involvement.
- All the good men/women are already taken. If you are in accord with this statement, you may be an “impossible partner” lover. The rationale is that since there are no appealing, available men/women you might as well look at the unavailable ones. The fact is that there are always available partners even though it may feel like there aren’t . You have to differentiate between how you feel and reality.
- There aren’t any available men/women in (where you live). Unless you live in a tiny town and literally know everyone there, it’s hart to make this kind of statement with any accuracy. Once again, you need to differentiate between your feeling and reality. It’s possible that your fear of a relationship is tinting your view of the local population. If your statement is really accurate – if there really are no available, interesting men/women where you live – then why are you continuing to live there? If you’re not in a relationship, but want to be, then it behooves you to live in an area where you’re most likely to find one.
- I want to be taken care of and protected. Once we become adults, we really have to take care of ourselves. Relationships that are predicated on “protection” have too many built-in problems. If you feel needy of care and protection you may express it by pushing too hard – as in the case of the “nice-to-meet-you-let’s-get-married lover – and drive people away.
- I’m not ready for a relationship. How long have you been saying that? It may be a safe excuse for no involvement, and you may be in an “I’m-not-good-enough” lover.
- Men/women don’t find me attractive/interesting/etc. There you are, “not good enough” again. If you think you’ve got a great flaw in your character, either work it out or accept it and find someone else who will.
- I want someone who knows exactly how he/she feels about things and is consistent. If you identify with this statement you should consider the possibility that you might be a “time cage”, or “ivory tower” lover. No one, except for the most rigid of people, expects to be certain of everything, or locked into a set of feelings. People grown and change, unless there’re to frightened to.
- Change makes me nervous. Here again, if a statement that might signal an “ivory tower” lover. Of course, change makes us all a bit nervous, but the issue is whether you attempt to stifle the change, or if you accept your nervousness and see where the change takes you.
- I’m looking for a hassle-free relationship. No one is looking for a relationship that’s riddled by problems, but if you honestly want a relationship that’s problem-free, chances are you’re a “never-care-too-much” lover. It’s only when you don’t really care, that problems don’t present themselves.
- If someone loves me he/she won’t care about how I look. By now you recognize this statement as the signal of a “take-me-as-I-am” lover. The way you look is important, and it should be as important to you as it is to potential lovers. Statements like this one are part of an obstacle course that will keep you out of an intensely romantic relationship.
- I need a lover who understands that my work comes first. Why set up a list of priorities, and, if you do, why expect anyone who loves you to accept second place with a smile? If you’re a “work-aholic” lover, you may do such things to keep distance.
- As soon as one thing goes wrong, everything falls apart. A “beat-your-partner-to-the-punch” lover is likely to believe this statement. Someone who’s not terrified of everything disappearing is more likely to believe that “as soon as one thing goes wrong, you have to work at fixing it.”
- All relationships get boring after the newness wears off. This kind of statement is commonly heard among “thrill-of-the-hunt” lovers. New relationships are, indeed, exciting. But there’s new-relationship excitement and old-relationship excitement, and it’s important to learn about the latter. Otherwise, by definition, you’ll never be able to find an enduring, exciting relationship.
- There’s no such thing as an enduring, intense romantic relationship. If you make this statement you probably have all sorts of arguments to back it up. Whatever your arsenal of proof may be, I know that you’re wrong. If you’ve taken the trouble to construct your evidence into a good, cogent argument, you’re probably leaning toward being a “love-is-trivial” lover.
- As soon as someone knows you care, they take off. The logical conclusion of this statement, made most frequently by “never-care-too-much” lover, is, “So don’t let them know you are.” That’s a good formula for a lonely life. Consider the tragedy of two people who love each other spending their life together by never really expressing their loving feelings. It’s easy to get caught in a cat-and-mouse game with regard to expressing feelings: if he/she tells me first, I’ll tell him/her. That sort of contest most often ends with everyone feeling cheated.